Self Esteem Enhancing Discipline
I hear all of the time, I know I’m not supposed to spank….but what am I SUPPOSED to do???
Discipline is probably one of the most difficult things for families to identify, discipline techniques that will enhance self esteem, discipline that children can learn from…not just be punished be. This is sooo important!! Child need boundaries, they need to know exactly where their boundaries lie and with most children, just saying it won’t matter. They need that consequence to truly understand and learn from their mistakes and learn to respect boundaries.
So what are some discipline ideas that are self esteem enhancing???
My favorite to use are natural consequences. This is a Love and Logic idea and they work great! To put it in simple terms, if you refuse to wear a coat and go outside when it’s cold, you’ll be cold. The natural consequence is being cold. You don’t need to do anything else. They have learned that lesson from just going outside without a coat. The problem with these is they can be hard for some parents/caregivers to think of in the moment. Thats ok!! :) You have two options then, either don’t use this method or if you have children that are a little older, brainstorm for a little bit (5-30 min) and then see if you can identify one. If not, this isn’t the one to use in that moment. When I work with families to start, this is one of the first things we discuss so the parents/caregivers can identify a few they can start using.
My second favorite consequence that is healthy to use is loss of screen time!! This one is wonderful because they are forced to do something healthier, like play outside, if they can’t have screens. Screen time includes TV, cell phones, computers, video games, and tablets, anything that has a screen. If you are struggling to get creative, you could break these out and they can lose one at a time, however, it’s best if you simply do screen time as a whole.
Last but not least, earning chores. Chores are a great idea that children can earn. The great thing about them is you can use them as a “make it right” and have them do a chore for the person whose boundary was crossed. If they hit their sister, they can do one of their sister’s chores.
To put things simply, when you are using discipline and you are struggling to identify something that could work but you want to enhance their self esteem, think about what you want them to learn and get creative!
Social Media Powers
Social media! Yay right?! haha! Whether you are like me and enjoy casually browse FaceBook and Pinterest, or your like my husband who hasn’t logged into FaceBook for about a decade, there are useful parenting tools to be found on them.
For instance, if you are feeling stressed as a parent, search for something like “kids say the darndest things” and enjoy some humor in your day. You might also search for something like “parenting self care that works”. There are many helpful things to be found in decreasing your stress level while parenting. Another idea, that I refer parents to Pinterest for consistently, is age appropriate chore ideas. Now, obviously if it’s on the internet it’s totally true! haha ya right! So take what you read with a grain of salt. If you feel it’s not appropriate for your child, don’t do it. As I always say, TRUST YOUR GUT! :)
Social media isn’t for everyone, and I totally get it. However, it can be a great tool for when you are in a bind and need some new ideas. If you are really against social media but still feel stuck, that’s a good time to reach out. Contact us to see how we can help! You can also follow us on social media, if you are on social media. :) See our links above to check us out!
Screen Time/Cell Phone Rules
I have parents ask all the time about screen time. Kids are on technology ALL THE TIME! How can we get them to go outside!? What is an appropriate amount of time on screens? These are all important things I get asked all of the time.
Unfortunately, there is no hard and fast rule when it comes to technology. I typically recommend a few things.
Screen time can ONLY happen after all responsibilities are complete for the day.
This might include completing chores, eating dinner, homework, etc…
A chore you might add is having them spend at least an hour outside so they have outside time before screens. (If it is too hot or cold to be outside, you might have an hour of time playing without screens instead of outside time.)
Limit to 30 minutes a day during school days and an hour a day during non school days.
Another important point is that it is important for them to have SOME, very limited!, screen time. :) This is because when you are at the doctors for yourself, or taking a trip out of town, or you are sick, you want them to be able to have screen time to keep themselves busy. You NEED alone time and self care times sometimes! (yes I know, easier said than done, am I right? lol!) If you children are never allowed screen time, they won’t be used to it and therefore won’t completely engage in it.
MORAL OF THE STORY, YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT FOR LETTING YOUR CHILDREN WATCH TV! :) ….just use moderation.
For more information, or if you have any questions, feel free to contact us! We love to talk to parents!
How to Give Warnings
If you are going to count to 3 for a warning, it is important to not add any fractions. Simply count 1, 2, 3. Never add fractions and never start over. Make it simple and keep it simple.
The other thing to keep the same is the rhythm, or the time between the numbers. You want to make sure you say 1 - 2 - 3 in order in the same cadence.
Yes, it’s really that easy! Once you do that once or twice, you kiddos will know exactly what to expect and are mire likely to listen to you without the consequence.
The other piece is if you say the number 3, there is a consequence. Often parents will get to 3 and then not know when exactly to implement the consequence. This makes it the same every time so, again, your kids will know exactly what to expect and are more likely to listen.
Siblings
Having more than one child can present it’s own set of new and possibly difficult parenting struggles. Sibling rivalry, different personalities, different parenting techniques that work with one but not the other, and many more.
The important thing to remember about siblings is to be fair.
Being fair doesn’t necessarily mean doing the exact same thing for each child. It simply means that if a child is inappropriate, they get a consequence, if there is fighting don’t take sides just mediate, if they do well, they get a reward.
Having the same follow through with each child, without favoring one, will create a much less stressful environment with healthier children and appropriate boundaries.
Why the "Problem Child" Is Really Parent or Caregiver Need
Children want to be successful.
However, adults, while well-intentioned, can impugn the child’s ability to thrive. They can be impugned by something as simple as wording, it isn’t necessarily something that is a big problem or significantly damaging.
I have worked with children from all walks of life and the one constant thing I see is that the problem child’s behaviors typically disappear when the caregiver or parent makes little changes to meet the child more where s/he is at instead of attempting to force the child to come to where the parent/caregiver is.
NHPS specializes in working with families and caregivers that have a “problem child”. We focus on children with a few unwanted behaviors up to having substantial unwanted and unsafe behaviors. While it can seem impossible at times, it is completely possible to change these behaviors into positive ones and alleviate most, if not, all of the stress parents and caregivers feel when parenting their child.
Parents and caregivers are amazing, compassionate individuals who always act with their hearts first. We always recognize their position as experts of their child. However, sometimes love isn’t enough and that is when we see behaviors rise. This is where NHPS can step in and support the behaviors of the “problem child”.
Why Kids Need Parental Guidance
Parental guidance is something that is vital to children at every stage of development. Children go to school to learn math, spelling, reading, science, etc. but they come to parents to learn everything else.
It is a parent’s job to teach their child how to feel emotions, how to be responsible, what respectful behavior is, boundaries, etc.
I often have parents tell me that they don’t like to cry in front of their children. I then ask why because this is how children learn to be sad in a healthy way, or angry in a healthy way. Children need parental guidance to understand healthy ways to be angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, etc.
They also need parental guidance to learn and respect boundaries, which inherently teach children disappointment. I often have children come to NHPS because they struggle with being disappointed. Teaching your child boundaries will help them understand and respond appropriately to rules, boundaries, and disappointment.
While we all want our children to have the world, they need to learn that they can’t always get what they want, despite Grandma saying otherwise. :) Their ability to learn this through parental guidance when they are young helps them respect rules and age-appropriate disappointments later in life, like breaking up with a partner.
Rewards
So often we focus on the negative and we forget to identify or address the positive things. It is so important for children to see the positive and we can easily show them that with rewards. Rewards can simultaneously do two things, first it can help focus on the positive and second it can encourage behaviors you want to see more of in your child.
The main thing to remember is to follow through and be consistent. If you implement a rewards system but only implement it half of the time, it won't work. You need to commit 100% from the start. Identify what you want to use to track the rewards (i.e. a sticker chart or an app like S'mores Up). Then have a family meeting, maybe during dinner, when you introduce it to the children. The children should help as much as possible from this point on.
You will need to identify what rewards they can buy (i.e. one on one time with a chosen adult or get out of a chore free), how much each thing costs (i.e. 1 point, 5 points, 10 points, or $1.00, $5.00, $10.00) and what they can do to earn the points or money to buy what they would like (i.e. an extra chore from the chore jar or following a hard direction). Have a menu or some way for the children to see what they can buy and what prices they are at all times.
The best thing you can do is have fun with this. The more you get into it, the more the children will too.
For more support or specifics, feel free to contact us to see how we can help.
Parent Guilt
I often hear that parents don't follow through because they feel guilty about something that happened in the child's life. This leads to the child having more and more struggles with their behavior and the parent feeling more and more stressed. They tell me they do this because they feel guilty and want to make up for it by giving the child whatever he wants. They say they think this will help the child heal from whatever happened.
In reality, they are impacting their child's ability to heal and grow from this experience. They are impugning their child when the give in. Children need boundaries, especially after they experience a significant stressor or trauma. These boundaries come in the form of consistency and follow through from the parent or caregiver. In general, the more trauma or stressors the child has had, the more structure needs to be present in order for the child to heal and become successful.
Yes, if you have struggled with consistency, when you start to implement boundaries, there will be more substantial behaviors from the child. This is them trying to learn exactly where that line is. When you follow through every time, after about 3 months, you'll start to see noticeable improvements in behaviors. Small changes can be seen in as little time as a week.
Remember to pour that guilt into helping your child instead of hindering their ability to grow and heal. Follow through, be consistent, and set boundaries.
If you feel stuck or like it's not working, reach out to us. We are here to help. You are on the right path. Change is possible.
Self-Care for Parents and Caregivers
Typically when a family contacts us for support, they are stressed. Families would really benefit from Mom and Dad doing some self-care, however, finding time can prove really tough. Yes, kids need to come first but if parents are doing any self-care, they won't be the best they can be. This is when we see parents react more harshly to unwanted behavior than normal.
If you currently have no time for self-care, find 5-10 minutes you can use for self-care a day. Right after the kids fall asleep for the day, right before the kids normally wake up, when your partner comes home from work, etc. Typically when we look at family schedules, we can find a small amount of time. It won't be easy at first, but it is worth it! I promise! :)
It is also important to find time to reconnect with your partner if you are not a single parent. Sometimes, this time to reconnect counts as self-care. Sometimes you will need additional time for individual self-care. Either way, make sure you give the adults in the house time to recharge emotionally too.
Model What You Want To See
Children do best when their caregiver models the behaviors they want to see.
If you want your child to say please and thank you, then you need to say please and thank you. This works with things you don't want as well. If you don't want your child to swear, then don't swear around them. Children are sponges. They take in everything they hear and see.
I see these underlying common conflicts. Parents often tell me they don't cry in front of their children or they won't fight with their partner in front of their children. This is surprisingly not always the healthiest option if you can be appropriate with your behavior when upset. When you angry, sad, frustrated, etc... you model how to feel that way to your children. That is how they learn to be angry, sad, frustrated, etc... If you can be appropriate when having a conflict with your partner, let them see so they can learn how to have healthy conflict.
The Importance of Discipline
Discipline is something that is vital to a healthy child. However, it is not what you traditionally think of when you think of the word discipline. Traditionally discipline is a fear tactic, "Do this or you'll get spanked". Fear-based discipline (including anything you do that causes harm to your child, physically or emotionally) encourages a child to follow your directions out of fear of pain. It hinders their ability to form a respectful relationship. It also encourages lying. (See my post on Consequences to learn more about NHPS's recommended discipline.)
Discipline is actually something you do in response to an unwanted behavior. For instance, if a child leaves a toy on the floor after you asked them to put it away, they lose the toy and must do a chore to earn it back. Constructive discipline is something you implement in order to help the child learn the lesson you are teaching. To go back to the example of the toy on the floor, you taught them to remember to clean up. You also taught them that it is ok to make a mistake, you just have to fix it. You also taught them that if they do make a mistake, it is a safe place to learn from it and move forward.
Constructive discipline is when your child earns something that they don't like. For instance, your child can earn a chore. Typically children don't like every chore so give them an age-appropriate one they don't like as a consequence. For more ideas on consequences, see the post on Consequences.
This is probably one of the hardest things to master as a parent. If you are feeling stuck, reach out to a friend or family member for some new ideas.
Follow Through
Parents often come to NHPS saying "I've tried everything. My child just won't listen". Typically we see this when parents don't follow through. Follow through and consistency go hand in hand being the most important pieces of parenting.
If you want an unwanted behavior to stop, you need to do what you say you will do or the behavior won't stop. This is often why we see consistent tantrums after age 4 or 5. If a parent follows through, yes a child may continue to have tantrums, but they will be much shorter and less severe.
If you have struggled with following through in the past and plan to start following through, you need to know that the behaviors will get worse before they get better. However, stick with it because this increase in behaviors is showing you that the follow through is working.
Wording
When we think about effective parenting, we often think dramatic changes or big overhauls are necessary to have an effect.
In reality, a simple change in wording can make a big difference in how children respond.
Try to say things in a positive way as often as possible. This will increase your child's self-esteem and communicate precisely what you want them to do. As a society, we tend towards the negative when we speak so this can take a lot of retraining. It takes 8-10 positive statements to erase one negative statement that damages a child’s self-esteem. Try to start with some simple things like instead of saying "don't stand on the couch" try saying "please put your feet on the floor.
Instead of the child making a “good choice” or a “bad choice,” try saying a “safe choice” or “an unsafe choice.” Save vs. unsafe helps children understand why you are asking them to stop doing what they are doing. It is a language a child can understand. Everyone wants to be safe, including children. Telling them to make a safe choice is more clear than a good choice.
Often we think of the word "earn" to imply something positive. However, earn can also be negative. For example "you earned a chore because you didn't follow directions". Using the word earn for consequences helps the child understand that their action caused the consequence instead of you giving a consequence.
While these changes are small, they may be a little difficult to remember in the beginning. Do something to help yourself. Pull in your partner and come up with a code word they can say if you forgot to change your wording. If your child is at an appropriate age to understand, you could also tell your child and have them help remind you. Leave notes for yourself around the house. Get creative and have fun coming up with reminders.
Consequences
It all begins with an idea.
The #1 question parents ask is "I know I'm not supposed to spank, but how do I discipline?!" They understand the psychological detriments of spanking as a consequence. But what to do instead?
Unfortunately, there isn’t an easy, one-size-fits-all answer but there are options.
Time outs. Some children do great with timeouts and some children get no benefit from them at all. Time outs are more involved than just sitting in a chair for a set number of minutes. Children with a history of trauma don’t often respond well to time outs.
Chores. Children can earn chores if they act inappropriately. You could either use a chore jar and have them pull a chore they earned, or pull a chore off the top of your head. This one works great, but the child has to follow directions enough to complete the chore.
Losing screen time means anything with a screen - computer, tablet, television, cell phone. Since children have access to multiple devices, if they lose one they lose them all. The length of time varies on the age of the child.
Natural consequences. If your child is refusing to pick up her room, don't fight about it. Let her know ahead of time that if she doesn't clean her room, whatever is left will be lost to you and she will have to earn them back. Once she is asleep, go pick up what was not put away. Tuck that stuff away safely and when she is ready she can do chores to earn them back.
These are just a few ideas to eradicate spanking while empowering parents to train their children. There are many more ideas! Practice finding what works for your family. Get creative and have fun with it. The less stressful it is for you, the more likely you are to follow through and be consistent.
Consistency Is Paramount
It all begins with an idea.
Consistency is important in all situations, for all children of all ages. Consistency helps children learn to trust adults and know that their needs will be met.
It is the start, the building blocks for appropriate attachments and neurological development. Consistency will help teens be more honest, follow rules, and communicate openly with their parents.
Consistency comes into play with rewards, consequences, schedules, and everything you teach your child.
For instance, children do well with the same routine each day. They do best going to bed, eating, napping and doing chores at the same time every day. They need that routine.
Children learn to trust when they are told something will happen, and it happens. If you say "I need you to get in the car right now or you will owe me a chore when you get home," the child is likely to get in the car because they know you mean business.
If you are not consistent your child won't listen.
When a child's needs are not consistently met, their ability to attach becomes disrupted. Therefore, implementing consistency as soon as possible is imperative to a healthy, well-adjusted child.
A piece of consistency is follow-through. If you say something will happen, it better happen, whether that be positive or negative. If you say you will take her to the park at 2:00, you need to go to the park at 2:00. This helps children learn to trust adults.
Children need to feel safe in their environment. They can only do so if they know what to expect. Children's expectations stem from consistency. This helps the child learn healthy attachments, trust adults, grow, and flourish. Without consistency, we typically see behaviors that are unwanted and the first step to decreasing these unwanted behaviors is to increase the consistency in the home.
For more information on how you can increase consistency in your home, reach out via our contact page.
Change is possible!
It all begins with an idea.
Throughout this blog and work with our program, know that change is possible. No matter the stressors, excitement, concern, joy, or trauma present in a child's life, their behaviors can change and their brain can heal.
We will discuss many things that may sound very scary. Just know that change is possible. If a child learns in the first few months of life that food and sleep are inconsistent and their needs may not be met, they can re-learn in the next few months it is. They can learn healthy attachments at any age. It is never too late to hear from stressors at any age.
You are also able to change. If you identify something that you tried and it didn't work, try something different. It is ok to make mistakes! Everyone makes mistakes! This is really, really important to remember to not be too hard on yourself if you make a mistake. Learn from it and move forward. That is the secret to changing, learning, and growing as a parent.
If you feel stuck at any point, call us! Many parents wait until things are out of control to get support. While it is definitely possible to change at any time, it's always easier to get help as soon as you identify the problem. You will know when you should call. :)
At NHPS, we firmly believe that you are the expert on your family. You know the time is right to get help. You know what will and will not work. If you feel you need extra support, contact us and we will support you. Browse our website to see if any of our available services are right for you.
Introduction
It all begins with an idea.
Not every child is the same. What worked for your first child may not work for the second, which may not work for the third.
The secret to parenting any child is consistency. If you say something will happen, it MUST actually happen, therefore it must be able to happen too. Be consistent! Be-Be Consistent! :)
Parents that work with us are seeking improvements in their child’s behaviors. Please understand that if your child's behavior is going to change, you as parents need to change. It may take a few weeks of changing your behaviors before you see your kids’ behaviors change. Change doesn't happen overnight. Yes, that's cliche, but it's true.
In order to get the results you are seeking, you can't give in, even once. If you give in one time you set yourself back at least a month.
Parenting should be fun, and if it isn't now, it will be. Both you and your child deserve that! You can do it. You can feel in control as a parent. You can feel calm when disciplining. You can achieve these things as soon as you learn to follow through.
We wish you the best with your families. Please reach out any time with any questions or to schedule an appointment.