Wording
When we think about effective parenting, we often think dramatic changes or big overhauls are necessary to have an effect.
In reality, a simple change in wording can make a big difference in how children respond.
Try to say things in a positive way as often as possible. This will increase your child's self-esteem and communicate precisely what you want them to do. As a society, we tend towards the negative when we speak so this can take a lot of retraining. It takes 8-10 positive statements to erase one negative statement that damages a child’s self-esteem. Try to start with some simple things like instead of saying "don't stand on the couch" try saying "please put your feet on the floor.
Instead of the child making a “good choice” or a “bad choice,” try saying a “safe choice” or “an unsafe choice.” Save vs. unsafe helps children understand why you are asking them to stop doing what they are doing. It is a language a child can understand. Everyone wants to be safe, including children. Telling them to make a safe choice is more clear than a good choice.
Often we think of the word "earn" to imply something positive. However, earn can also be negative. For example "you earned a chore because you didn't follow directions". Using the word earn for consequences helps the child understand that their action caused the consequence instead of you giving a consequence.
While these changes are small, they may be a little difficult to remember in the beginning. Do something to help yourself. Pull in your partner and come up with a code word they can say if you forgot to change your wording. If your child is at an appropriate age to understand, you could also tell your child and have them help remind you. Leave notes for yourself around the house. Get creative and have fun coming up with reminders.
